49482005 高淑真 homework5

Homework 5

1. Analyze This Document

(1)The document is very messy, because readers are confused about the main purpose of the letter. Besides, it lacks complete organization and credibility so that it could not impress the readers. In addition, "you" attitude is never used in the paragraph. The following is the analysis of the document.

1. First of all, the writer did not say hello to the readers; it is very rude. Besides, it would be better being humble in a formal letter, rather than too arrogant. However, the writer expressed the idea (of) selling books very clearly.

2. The writer could present more praises and expectations toward the show. Yet, it showed the writer's great passion about the show.

3. The writer tried to show a good will to approach the readers, but it is too "folk" to use "folk" in a formal letter.

4. It would be better if the writer could try another way to express the same idea by using "positive" and "you" attitude. Otherwise, it is a kind of disregard.

5. Maybe it will promote the writer's "hot" new title, but what the writer should consider about is the benefit of the readers and others, not only himself or herself. Besides, the writer could use more precise words to show professionism like "popular" rather than "hot."

6. The writer should try to express that what readers can benefit from his or her demonstration. But the tone seems that the writer was just showing off.

7. We can easily see the confidence of the writer, but it lacks credibility. First of all, the writer did not introduce about the main great books which may be exhibited on the show; he introduced the other book. That would lose focus. Moreover, though the writer has been a sign painter, does that mean the book is worth reading? No credibility is established at all.

8. The writer should use the whole spelling at the first time in a letter; otherwise, readers will get misunderstood. Thus, "PR" and "PW" are inappropriate. In addition, the writer was not so sure about the new book whether it would be well known or not; then, that is a lack of credibility, too.

9. The writer can use more polite and not so aggressive word. For example, the writer can put himself or herself into the readers' shoes, thinking about what a comfortable tone could be. Thus, "you" view is used.

10. In a formal letter, post scriptum is not suggested. It is fine to put the topic inside the main paragraph. Besides, the writer is too direct asking about the cost. It is fine to ask how much the cost would be, but the direct tone would make embarrassment.

In conclusion, we can see the writer used plain English and showed the great passion from the letter. However, too much inflation and only "I" attitude may destroy whole article. Those are the deadly weaknesses.

(2)

Dear Mr. Lin:

Thanks for reading the letter in your busy time. I am a beginning publisher, but I am interested about the book exhibition hold this summer which I saw on Publishers Weekly. Since it is hold by experienced publisher like you, it must be pleased to take part in this grand meeting.

I would like to introduce my books at first and provide some of my ideas later. My books have inspired many readers and won several praises. Besides, I was an airbrush artist and I am willing to demonstrate my technique in public to attract more audience. By this way, audience will pay more attention on this exhibition and the echo will be bigger. Moreover, I could also promote my other new books which will benefit them, too.

My plan is to start Public Relation campaign on May, 2005 with some art trade papers and the books will be well known in August as schedule. However, could you give me some advices on this plan since I am a beginning publisher? I will appreciate your advices and try to improve as possible.

However, being a new publisher, we take the cost seriously. Could you offer me the cost for one unit of booth space so that I can prepare in advance? I sincerely appreciate your kindness. Hope we can meet each other on the book exhibition.

Sincerely Yours,

Cindy Green

Homework 5 Brian

Analyze This Document
Strengths & Weaknesses
1. S: The writer is a new publisher. It may make the
sponsor think that another passionate person wants to
join the career publication. It will make a good
impression.
W: Using the word "sell" sounds like he just wants
to make money and the sponsor doesn't know if his
books are great. And the first sentence should be the
topic sentence which should state the main point.
2. S: The writer's agreement with the sponsor's idea
is good, and it will leave a good impression.
W: The word "saw" looks like he accidentally saw
this announcement, not something he paid attention to.
"Show" is an informal word and sounds a little bit
disrespectful like it is just a show, not something
important. Writing a letter should use more formal
words especially for business.
3. S: It looks like the writer is an easy-going
person, but it is a really risky thing to do so
especially for this kind of formal letters.
W: Using slang language us inappropriate here. The
writer is writing letter for join the exhibition, not
for his friend. And it makes the sponsor think that
the writer might not be professional enough.
4. S: It is a very simple sentence that clearly states
the main point of the writer.
W: The whole sentence shows that the writer only
concerns his own interest. He didn't think for the
sponsor and the exhibition.
5. S: The writer mentioned some skills that can
promote his books, but if he can expand it to the
whole exhibition, it will be beneficial to the
sponsor.
W: Again, "neat" is slang word for wonderful or
fantastic, and the whole sentence is still on his own
interest.
6. S: Like sentence five, if the writer can contribute
his skills to the exhibition, it will be a strong
point and also the sponsor may be interest in him.
It's good to let others know your skills when it is
helpful.
W: It is irrelevant to bring up such thing. It has
nothing to do with the exhibition. The sponsor
doesn't care about his past experiences as an
airbrush artist.
7. S: The writer mentioned that he has done a lot of
advertising illustrations, and it cold be a very
strong point if he offers it as a help to promote the
exhibition.
W: The writer kept focusing on using his skills on
his own books instead of the whole exhibition.
8. W: The writer is too proud himself that he will be
well known after his campaign. Too much pride can be
annoying.
9. W: Just like sentence eight, the writer seems to
take many things for granted.
10. S: Very straightforward.
W: The writer seems to care nothing but money.
He's being snobbish, and it seems that it doesn't
matter whether he can attend the exhibition or not.
Money matters.
11. W: The writer uses money as a measurement, and he
shouldn't use this as an ending. It seems that he
didn't care about the exhibition at all. Maybe he
wrote this sentence to try to get some empathy to have
a bargain.

Revise
Dear Bovee,

After noticing your announcement in Publishers Weekly
about the exhibition you're having this summer, I'd
like to have a booth space. As a new publisher, I
hope I can attend it to promote some of my books to
the public. If I can attend the exhibition, I wonder
if I will be allowed do some airbrushing on T-shirts
to promote not only my books but also the whole
exhibition. I have experiences of advertising
illustrations before and I think maybe I can help you
with the promotion of the exhibition. I will be
starting my PR campaign about May 2005 with ads in PW
and some art trade papers, and if I can join the
exhibition, I am happy to include this exhibition into
my ads. It will do a favor for both my books and the
exhibition. For you to know more about me and my
books, I have enclosed some brief information. If you
are interested, please contact me and give me the cost
of the space and other details of the exhibition as
soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Pat Coleman

Homework5 calvin

Analyze This Document (P. 97)

Analyze the Sentences

The document appears to be a letter from a 'publisher' to an unknown party who is going to hold a 'bookseller's show' the sender wishes to participate in. Ignoring the letter's overall content, tone and purpose (which will be discussed later), following are the letter's ten sentences' strengths and weaknesses:

Sentence1

Strength: Plain English. The sentence is easy to understand.

Weakness:

1. Use of abstract words such as 'great'. If sentences following this can explain in what ways are the books 'great', then this weakness can be overlooked.

2. Misleading purpose. By beginning the letter with such a sentence, it misleads readers to think the sender intends to sell books to them, when we can infer later that, such is not the sender's purpose.

Sentence2

Strength:

1. Emphasizes the Positive; Courteous. Complimenting fosters better relationship. Moreover, it encourages the party to put in more zest into the show.

2. You-Benefit. It lets the receiver know that their announcement in Publishers Weekly was effective.

3. Use of italics to differentiate book titles from text.

Weakness:

1. Use of 'great' again. The sentence that follows offers no further explanation either. Instead, the word can be substituted with concrete words, phrases or ideas like, "…, it is really wonderful to give the town access to the latest books, thereby also encouraging people to read."

2. Correct References. Are the organizers putting up a 'bookseller's show' or a 'book exhibition/exposition? Does the announcement in Publishers Weekly really read, 'show'? Because generally, organizers of such events usually use 'exhibition' rather than 'show'.

Sentence3

Strength: Powerful; energetic. It shows how eager the sender is.

Weakness: Inappropriate; too informal. Assuming the parties are not on close terms, the 'fun' tone is very inappropriate and do not sound professional.

Sentence4

Strength: Clear idea/purpose.

Weakness: Slack words. The word 'get' not only sounds unprofessional, but also weak. 'Rent' might be a stronger word for 'get'.

Sentence5

Strength: Purposeful. Looking at the sentence alone, it can be understood why the sender would like to airbrush.

Weakness: Inappropriate Tone. Saying, 'it would be a neat thing to do' is unfortunately just the 'un-neat thing to do' when writing professional business letters. It can be overlooked if the sender is familiar with the correspondent and it is to be mailed to the correspondent's domicile address, to be read informally.

Sentence6

Strength: Establishes credibility. This sentence lends some credibility to the sender's ability in airbrushing.

Weakness: Unnecessary. What is the real purpose of the letter? Does the inclusion of this fact in any way affect the purpose and outcome of the letter?

Sentence7

Strength: Projects sender's capabilities. The sentence tries to prove the sender's capability in sign painting and gives credibility to the author's expertise in sign painting.

Weakness: Poor paragraph organization. As the final sentence of the paragraph, it is highly unexpected to see another idea introduced way at the end, in this case, a second book.

Sentence8

Strength: Informative. Tells organizers how the sender may qualify to be taken seriously.

Weakness:

1. Pompous and unnecessary. Although the sender might not have intended to sound pompous, it may strike readers just so. Furthermore, it may seem to the organizers that the sender is desperate to receive attention.

2. Use of abbreviations. Spell out the abbreviations unless they are very long and are repeated over and over again in the text.

Sentence9

Strength: Thoughtful. It is very thoughtful of the sender to think of organizers' publicity.

Weakness: Besides being unnecessary, is the sender really being thoughtful of organizers' publicity? Should the organizers not read this line as a concealed desire of the sender to increase his/her publicity?

Sentence10

Strength: Purposeful.

Weakness: Yet another idea and right at the end of letter. Aside from the very informal tone, the use of 'P.S.' tends to make people assume the sender did not plan out and write the letter and hence forgot about the idea when writing the letter and had to use a 'P.S.' to somehow fit it back in. It portrays the sender in bad light; 'highly un-professional'.

Overall, this is a very ill-written letter, probably written void planning and revision. Firstly, aside from the inappropriate tone adopted by the sender, the purpose of the letter is not clear. Does the sender want to compliment the organizers, introduce him/her or wants to know just the cost of renting a booth space? Secondly, is the sender a publisher or actually an aspiring writer trying to promote his/her own books? If the sender is indeed a publishing house, why are only two books introduced? In what ways do these two books particularly outstand from all other books in their publishing house? Therefore, the sender needs to consider under what identity is he/she writing the letter, as a publisher or as a writer? Hence, to revise the letter would be to rewrite it in brief and with one main purpose: to ask about the cost of renting booth space.

Following is my revised version of the letter:

(Revised)

Dear Sirs,

I'd like to inquire about the cost of renting booth space at the book exhibition to be held this summer at Taipei. As an aspiring writer, I am grateful for the pains you have taken to hold a book exhibition on behalf of book lovers and writers, and I would like to rent a booth space to promote my two books, T-Shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business. As both my books are hobby-centered, I also hope I can airbrush live at the exhibition in order to promote my book and at the same time, make the exhibition fun.

I look forward to hearing from you and hope to be provided with cost details and all other details about the exhibition.

Yours sincerely,

Neville Crosby

Homework 5 49482008 Anne

Homework 5 49482008 Anne
Analyze the Document
The new publisher wrote the document to have a chance
to promote his techniques and his book. Yet, the
document contained some errors. Here are my analysis
and revision of the document.

Sentence1.
Strength. The writer strongly shows his desire to sell
his great books. It could enhance the credibility of
the document.
Sentence 2.
Weakness. I got confused when I saw the word "show."
It misled me to relate Publishers Weekly to a TV
program. The writer should use the word "exhibition"
instead of "show," since the exhibition is not a
performance. In addition, if the writer really wants
to attend the exhibition, he should express more to
show his support to the exhibition, not just "it's a
great idea."
Sentence 3.
Weakness. The use of this sentence is too informal.
It's inappropriate in a document. To show the
writer's etiquette, it's better if he/she adds
"please," because he/she is asking for the
audience's approval.
Sentence 4.
Weakness. It is weird to say "get some space to show
my books." The writer might be asking for attending
the exhibition. The writer should express in a
different way to enhance the credibility that he/she
really wants to take part in the exhibition.
Sentence 5.
Weakness. This time the writer wants to promote his
title by do some airbrushing. He/she should ask the
audience first if he/she could do airbrushing in the
exhibition, but he/she just said "I thought……" It
would be more polite to inquire before doing some
other things.
Sentence 6.
Strength. The writer provides his/her experience of
being an airbrush artist to enhance his/her
credibility. It could support his/her idea of
promotion.
Sentence 7.
Strength. The writer refers to his/her book. He/she
mentions his/her experience as a sign painter to
persuade the audience the book is worthy of buying.
Also, he/she had already done advertising
illustrations to promote the book. It could be a sign
that he/she is eager to sell the book.
Sentence 8.
Weakness. Although the writer will start PR campaign
with ads in PW, it is not necessary that the books
"should" be well-known. The word "should" somewhat
indicates the writer is too I-centered.
Sentence 9.
Strength. It is polite to attach a biography and
photo. It can provide more information about the
writer.
Weakness. The audience does not have to use the photo
or the biography for publicity. The main purpose of
biography and photo is to enable the audience to know
more about the writer, so the writer should use a much
more polite way to bring out his/her attachments.
Sentence 10.
Weakness. It sounds like if the cost is too high, the
writer might not attend the exhibition. He/she should
use a better way to express his/her idea.
Sentence 11.
Weakness. This sentence is not significantly related
to the main idea of the document.

Revision
Dear Mr. Brown:
I am a new publisher with some really great books
to sell. I found you announced in Publishers Weekly
that you are having a bookseller's exhibition this
summer, and I am totally interested in it. I would
like to take part in the exhibition, please let me
join you. Also, I was wondering if I could do some
airbrushing on T-shirts live as an assistant to
promote my hot new title, T-shirt Art. Prior to a
publisher, I was an airbrush artist, and I could
demonstrate my techniques. Having done hundreds of
advertising illustrations and been a sign painter, I
would like to introduce my book, How to Make Money in
the Sign Painting Business, to everyone.

I will try every means to promote my book, such
as PR campaign in May 2005 with ads in PW and some art
trade papers, and I hope by the time the exhibition is
held, my book would be well-known. If you would like
to know more about me, I attach a biography and a
photo about myself to the document. Please contact me
if you have any questions.

P.S. I am eager to join you. However, I get some
economical difficulties. It would be a great help if
you could inform me of the cost of the exhibition, so
I can find solutions to the problem. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,
Elle Rice

Homework 5 Clair

Homework 5 49482021 Clair Lin

Analyze This Document

This document seems to be a letter from publisher to sponsor for attending book exhibition. Though the letter is full of passion and confidence, it lacks etiquette and "you" attitude. For instance, the writer uses "I" instead of "you" in the letter; furthermore, the overconfident may also make reader feel uncomfortable, even offended. The following is the analysis of each sentence.

1. The weakness of the first sentence is that it does not reveal the main purpose. The writer's purpose is to attend exhibition, but the writer here uses "sell"; thus, the reader may misunderstand that the writer is going to sell books. Furthermore, "really great books" is abstract; it is not persuasive because the writer does not give concrete examples why the books are great.

2. Using "show" here shows less respect to the sponsor. The meaning of "the bookseller's show" may refer to the show of bookseller rather than the display of books; it is more proper to replace "show" with "exhibition". Moreover, the writer uses "I think" to give comment; it would be better to use "you" attitude.

3. The strength is that this sentence shows the writer's strong will to attend the exhibition. However, using such enthusiastic sentence in formal letter may give the reader bad impression because it is rude and lacks respect.

4. This sentence is so direct and unreasonable that may offend the sponsor. It may make the reader think that the writer only considers individual interest.

5. The weakness of this sentence is that it does not show any interest for the sponsor. It may be a good idea to have such activity, but the sponsor has no reason to support the writer. Furthermore, "neat" is informal; it would be better to use "nice" or "fine" here.

6. This sentence shows no causality to previous sentence, and has little relation to the topic of this letter. Though the tone is full of confidence, the reader may interpret the confidence as arrogance since the writer does not state the benefit of the demonstration for the sponsor.

7. It seems that the main idea of this sentence is the propagation of the writer's book, which has less relation to the sponsor. If the writer states how his or her techniques can help the exhibition, the sponsor may be more willing to take the writer's suggestion.

8. It is good for the writer starting to propagate his or her book. However, the weakness is that it does not have credibility because the writer uses "should be well known" here. It seems that the writer is also unsure about the result of the advertisement, and it gives the impression that the writer is pompous.

9. The tone of the writer may offend, even irritate the reader. The writer assumes that the sponsor will use his or her appearance while becoming famous, which is disrespectful and impolite. It is probably that the reader will think the writer as an overconfident and selfish person.

10. Knowing the cost of space is right, but it is impolite for the writer to use such direct tone asking the cost. The use of "as soon as possible" is improper because the tone of this sentence seems to become imperative. Moreover, the writer can omit the last sentence of the post scriptum because it is not related to the sponsor.

In conclusion, the overall strength of these sentences is that they are plain English. The weakness is that the writer does not clearly reveal main idea and how his or her participation will benefit the sponsor. It would be better for the writer uses more formal tone to show respect to the reader; moreover, using more "you" attitude will help increase the sponsor's willing to accept the writer.

Revision

Dear sponsor:

I am a start-up publisher who would like to attend your book exhibition this summer. Having read your announcement in Publishes Weekly, I really appreciate your holding this exhibition. It will be my glory to participate in this exhibition and have opportunity to introduce my books to the public.

Being an airbrush artist before, I am willing to support you having airbrushing T-shirts activity. Furthermore, as a sign painter, I can offer advertising illustrations. These will not only help me propagate books but also publicize the exhibition.

I am going to start PR campaign in May and have advertisements in PW and art trade papers; I believe it will also publicize the exhibition in August. For knowing me more, I have attached my biography and photo.

Finally, it will be helpful if you can inform me about the costs of each booth space. I really hope I will have opportunity to attend your exhibition.

Sincerely,

John Green

Homework5Emily

Homework5 49482010 Emily

1.Analyze this document

A book publisher writes a letter to a sponser of a book exhibition. In the letter, publisher wants to persuade the sponser to do an action. However, its tone is not appropriate and "You" attitude does not show in this letter. The followings are analysis of each sentence and revision of this letter.

Sentence1

Strength: There is confidence in sentence, making people know you believe in yourself. Plus, writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is no courtesy in sentence. Adding courtesy is better when talking to people outside your organization.

Sentence2

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: Only "I" attitude, say, I saw or I think is in sentence. Using "you" attitude becomes better.

Sentence 3

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is an informal tone in sentence. It seems too casual to be a good sentence in a business letter.

Sentence 4

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is only writer's need in sentence but how about audience's benefits.

Sentence5

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is only writer's view and need again. Are there any benefits for readers?

Sentence6

Strength: Writer uses plain English. Readers can know writer's expertise and special skill which are back up writer's message from sentence.

Sentence7

Strength: Writer uses plain English. Plus, writer provides more specific examples which proves writer's expertise.

Weakness: There is only "I " attitude in sentence. And readers seem not related to message writer gives. Pointing out how doing will benefit them is better. Besides, words "hot off the presses," express informal tone.

Sentence8

Strength: Writer uses plain English and provides writer's plan in the future.

Weakness: PR, PW, these abbreviations are in appropriate. Readers may not understand clearly. The tone make people think that writer is boasting by words "well known." Moreover, there is no "You" attitude in sentence.

Sentence9

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: The tone is not appropriate; it sounds arrogant, instead of persuding reader. Like, if you do not do it, you will regret in the future.

In short, if writer could make his/her main idea clear, use a conversational tone, and show audience's benefits in the letter, it would be a better business letter.

2. Revise this document

Dear David Coll :

I I am a publisher who saw your announcement in Publishers Weekly about a book exhibition. The book exhibition really excites me. I am writing for asking an opportunity to join this activity. I will be appreciate that if I can have a small space to introduce my new books to the public.

If you need billboards or advertising illustration for book exhibition, it is my pleasure to help you with my airbrush skill. I was an airbrush artist and have done advertising illustration more than one hundred times. As long as you need this, I would help with all my strength.

In addition, I would like to consult with you if it is fine to do airbrushing on T-shirts live to promote my book, T-Short Art. I promise I will remain the area clean and ordered after doing airbrushing.

Moreover, to introduce my new books to the public, I will start my PR campaign in May and have ads in PW. In August, my books will become famous. It would be my honor if you use me as one part of your publicity.

I have enclosed my biography so that you can know me more. If you have any question, please contact me.

P.S. Because I may not afford big expenses, it would be kind of you to tell me the cost for a booth space earlier. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Marcela Morris

Jane's Homework 5

HOMEWORK V 49482047 陳奕蓁

Analyze This Document

This is a letter from a publisher to a sponsor of a books exhibition. The writer expresses his desires to take part in the exhibition in an informal tone which makes himself a frivolous person. Furthermore, since he holds an I-centered attitude, the reader might consider him arrogant. Followings are my analysis on the strengths or weaknesses of each sentence, and a revision of this document.

1. Brief analysis on each sentence in numerical sequence

(1) Announcing that he has "really great books" is the very weakness, since the credibility is not strong. The writer does not give any proof to assert that those books are great such as a reviewer's credit or a commendation from a famous writer. Therefore, the reader may consider that he is bragging.

(2) "Show" is an informal expression of "exhibition". Using "show" here does not show respect to the reader, and the reader might conceive this as an insult. Besides, "it's a great idea" is also an informal expression. If the writer wants to support the exhibition, he should use a more courteous language, for example, "it is very wise of you to make this decision."

(3) The strength is that the writer shows his strong desire to participate in the exhibition. However, his expression is not respectful, and the reader might take him for a featherhead.

(4) Using "get some space" here could make the reader think that the writer merely wants to take advantage of the exhibition to sell his books, rather than support him sincerely.

(5) "Neat" is an informal expression of "fine" or "admirable". The writer could replace "neat" with one of the two words to make the sentence better. On the other hand, "hot" also conveys informal tone. Moreover, it seems that the writer does not respect the reader since he only talks about his idea rather than discuss the proposal with the host.

(6) This sentence shows a strong point that the writer gives reason for why he can do airbrushing. Nevertheless, the credibility is not strong enough for whether he is a brilliant airbrush artist is unknown. Furthermore, bragging about his techniques might make the reader see him as a person of pride.

(7) The strength is that the writer gives the reader the evidence of his proficiency. Nonetheless, his tone is informal.

(8) It is fine for the writer to tell his plans in promoting his books, and the reader might think him an active and enthusiastic person. But saying "should be well known" seems the writer is self-important. Again, if the writer could change his tone from informal to a courteous expression the sentence would be better.

(9) This sentence might easily annoy the reader. For the writer regards he as an important person and the host is in need of him to publicize the exhibition. If the writer could use roundabout sentences to express his idea, the host might not be irritated.

(10) It is wise for the writer to ask the question about cost. Yet it would be better to use a more courteous sentence.

(11) Actually, the writer could omit this sentence, for it is needless. Moreover, the reader might think the writer as a vulgar.

On the whole, if the writer could write in a conversational tone rather than informal tone, and use more courteous expressions, this letter would be efficient in persuading the host to take him in the exhibition.

2. Revision

Dear Mr. Sempere:

I hold a start-up publisher, and I am eager to recommend books to the public. Your announcement in Publishers Weekly about a books exhibition catches my eyes, and I think it is wise of you to hold this exhibition. I would like to participate in this exhibition, and I think it would be a great honor to attend it. I will be grateful if you can give me an opportunity to recommend my books to the public. In addition, I would like to consult with you if it would be acceptable for me to do airbrushing on T-shirts live. I think it would be helpful to promote one of my new books, T-shirt Art. You could trust in my proficiency for before I got into publishing, I have done advertising illustrations and been a sign painter. Furthermore, I will keep the area neat and tidy after doing airbrushing. Additionally, because of my unusual experience, I would like to promote another book about the airbrushing field.

To help drawing the public attention to my books, I will have PR campaign in May with ads in PW and art trade papers. Furthermore, you could know me more from my biography enclosed, and it would be honorable if you use me as part of your publicity.

PS: Because of economic pressure, I would be grateful if you can tell me the costs for booth space in advanced.

Sincerely,

Julian Carax