Jane's Homework 5

HOMEWORK V 49482047 陳奕蓁

Analyze This Document

This is a letter from a publisher to a sponsor of a books exhibition. The writer expresses his desires to take part in the exhibition in an informal tone which makes himself a frivolous person. Furthermore, since he holds an I-centered attitude, the reader might consider him arrogant. Followings are my analysis on the strengths or weaknesses of each sentence, and a revision of this document.

1. Brief analysis on each sentence in numerical sequence

(1) Announcing that he has "really great books" is the very weakness, since the credibility is not strong. The writer does not give any proof to assert that those books are great such as a reviewer's credit or a commendation from a famous writer. Therefore, the reader may consider that he is bragging.

(2) "Show" is an informal expression of "exhibition". Using "show" here does not show respect to the reader, and the reader might conceive this as an insult. Besides, "it's a great idea" is also an informal expression. If the writer wants to support the exhibition, he should use a more courteous language, for example, "it is very wise of you to make this decision."

(3) The strength is that the writer shows his strong desire to participate in the exhibition. However, his expression is not respectful, and the reader might take him for a featherhead.

(4) Using "get some space" here could make the reader think that the writer merely wants to take advantage of the exhibition to sell his books, rather than support him sincerely.

(5) "Neat" is an informal expression of "fine" or "admirable". The writer could replace "neat" with one of the two words to make the sentence better. On the other hand, "hot" also conveys informal tone. Moreover, it seems that the writer does not respect the reader since he only talks about his idea rather than discuss the proposal with the host.

(6) This sentence shows a strong point that the writer gives reason for why he can do airbrushing. Nevertheless, the credibility is not strong enough for whether he is a brilliant airbrush artist is unknown. Furthermore, bragging about his techniques might make the reader see him as a person of pride.

(7) The strength is that the writer gives the reader the evidence of his proficiency. Nonetheless, his tone is informal.

(8) It is fine for the writer to tell his plans in promoting his books, and the reader might think him an active and enthusiastic person. But saying "should be well known" seems the writer is self-important. Again, if the writer could change his tone from informal to a courteous expression the sentence would be better.

(9) This sentence might easily annoy the reader. For the writer regards he as an important person and the host is in need of him to publicize the exhibition. If the writer could use roundabout sentences to express his idea, the host might not be irritated.

(10) It is wise for the writer to ask the question about cost. Yet it would be better to use a more courteous sentence.

(11) Actually, the writer could omit this sentence, for it is needless. Moreover, the reader might think the writer as a vulgar.

On the whole, if the writer could write in a conversational tone rather than informal tone, and use more courteous expressions, this letter would be efficient in persuading the host to take him in the exhibition.

2. Revision

Dear Mr. Sempere:

I hold a start-up publisher, and I am eager to recommend books to the public. Your announcement in Publishers Weekly about a books exhibition catches my eyes, and I think it is wise of you to hold this exhibition. I would like to participate in this exhibition, and I think it would be a great honor to attend it. I will be grateful if you can give me an opportunity to recommend my books to the public. In addition, I would like to consult with you if it would be acceptable for me to do airbrushing on T-shirts live. I think it would be helpful to promote one of my new books, T-shirt Art. You could trust in my proficiency for before I got into publishing, I have done advertising illustrations and been a sign painter. Furthermore, I will keep the area neat and tidy after doing airbrushing. Additionally, because of my unusual experience, I would like to promote another book about the airbrushing field.

To help drawing the public attention to my books, I will have PR campaign in May with ads in PW and art trade papers. Furthermore, you could know me more from my biography enclosed, and it would be honorable if you use me as part of your publicity.

PS: Because of economic pressure, I would be grateful if you can tell me the costs for booth space in advanced.

Sincerely,

Julian Carax