Homework5Emily

Homework5 49482010 Emily

1.Analyze this document

A book publisher writes a letter to a sponser of a book exhibition. In the letter, publisher wants to persuade the sponser to do an action. However, its tone is not appropriate and "You" attitude does not show in this letter. The followings are analysis of each sentence and revision of this letter.

Sentence1

Strength: There is confidence in sentence, making people know you believe in yourself. Plus, writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is no courtesy in sentence. Adding courtesy is better when talking to people outside your organization.

Sentence2

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: Only "I" attitude, say, I saw or I think is in sentence. Using "you" attitude becomes better.

Sentence 3

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is an informal tone in sentence. It seems too casual to be a good sentence in a business letter.

Sentence 4

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is only writer's need in sentence but how about audience's benefits.

Sentence5

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: There is only writer's view and need again. Are there any benefits for readers?

Sentence6

Strength: Writer uses plain English. Readers can know writer's expertise and special skill which are back up writer's message from sentence.

Sentence7

Strength: Writer uses plain English. Plus, writer provides more specific examples which proves writer's expertise.

Weakness: There is only "I " attitude in sentence. And readers seem not related to message writer gives. Pointing out how doing will benefit them is better. Besides, words "hot off the presses," express informal tone.

Sentence8

Strength: Writer uses plain English and provides writer's plan in the future.

Weakness: PR, PW, these abbreviations are in appropriate. Readers may not understand clearly. The tone make people think that writer is boasting by words "well known." Moreover, there is no "You" attitude in sentence.

Sentence9

Strength: Writer uses plain English.

Weakness: The tone is not appropriate; it sounds arrogant, instead of persuding reader. Like, if you do not do it, you will regret in the future.

In short, if writer could make his/her main idea clear, use a conversational tone, and show audience's benefits in the letter, it would be a better business letter.

2. Revise this document

Dear David Coll :

I I am a publisher who saw your announcement in Publishers Weekly about a book exhibition. The book exhibition really excites me. I am writing for asking an opportunity to join this activity. I will be appreciate that if I can have a small space to introduce my new books to the public.

If you need billboards or advertising illustration for book exhibition, it is my pleasure to help you with my airbrush skill. I was an airbrush artist and have done advertising illustration more than one hundred times. As long as you need this, I would help with all my strength.

In addition, I would like to consult with you if it is fine to do airbrushing on T-shirts live to promote my book, T-Short Art. I promise I will remain the area clean and ordered after doing airbrushing.

Moreover, to introduce my new books to the public, I will start my PR campaign in May and have ads in PW. In August, my books will become famous. It would be my honor if you use me as one part of your publicity.

I have enclosed my biography so that you can know me more. If you have any question, please contact me.

P.S. Because I may not afford big expenses, it would be kind of you to tell me the cost for a booth space earlier. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Marcela Morris