Homework5 Group4

The "You" Attitude

1. We request that you use the order form supplied in the back of our catalog.

    By using the order form supplied in the back of the catalog, your order will be processed as quickly as possible.

 

2. We insist that you always bring your credit card to the store.

    To enhance your convenience, please bring your credit card to the store.

 

3. We want to get rid of all our 15-inch monitors to make room in our warehouse for the 19-inch screens. Thus we are offering a 25 percent discount on all sales this week.

    Take hold of the opportunity of our 25 percent discount on all sales this week!

 

4. I am applying for the position of bookkeeper in your office. I feel that my grades prove that I am bright and capable, and I think I can do a good job for you.

    Seeing your ad in the personnel section, I'd like to apply for the position of bookkeeper at your office, to serve and do a good job for you.

 

5. As requested, we are sending the refund for $25.

    Here is the refund of $25 that you have requested.

 

Emphasizing the Positive

6. To avoid the loss of your credit rating, please remit payment within 10 days.

    Remitting payment within 10 days will avoid a loss of your credit rating.

 

7. We don't make refunds on returned merchandise that is soiled.

    Although we cannot make refunds on soiled merchandise, we can replace them.

 

8. Because we are temporarily out of Baby Cry dolls, we won't be able to ship your order for 10 days.

    Due to the popular demand for Baby Cry dolls, we will ship your order after ten days to ensure your order is processed and delivered correctly.

 

9. You failed to specify the color of the blouse that you ordered.

    To ensure you a satisfactory purchase, we recommend you to specify the color of the blouse you ordered.

 

10. You should have realized that waterbeds will freeze in unheated houses during winter. Therefore, our guarantee does not cover the valve damage and you must pay the $9.50 valve-replacement fee (plus postage).

     We are sorry to hear that your waterbed froze resulting in valve damage. Although our guarantee does not cover valve damage, we can replace the valve for $9.50 (plus postage). Please be advised that waterbeds freeze in unheated houses during winter, hence take care to heat the environment during winter.

 

Analyze This Document

This document is probably a letter to organizers of a book exhibition which the sender wishes to attend. Following are the major strengths and weaknesses of each sentence of the 'document':

Sentence1

Although the sentence is relatively simple to understand, it is vague and abstract in the sense, the sender does not elaborate further on how are the books 'great'.

Sentence2

This is probably the best sentence in the document. The major strength of this sentence is that it is very encouraging and gives the reader an appreciative and amicable feeling.

Sentence3

Although this sentence is energetic and friendly, it is too friendly and informal for a business letter. It lacks professionalism.

Sentence4

Though purposeful, the sender should have put this sentence at the beginning of the letter. Saying out the purpose now makes the previous sentences seem redundant.

Sentence5

This sentence is sender-oriented and not reader-oriented. This fails to get the reader involved and see things as mutually important and/or informative.

Sentence6

If the first sentence is the main purpose of the letter, then this sentence is irrelevant to the letter. How is the sender having been an airbrush artist and can demonstrate techniques related to 'having great books to sell'?

Sentence7

Although this is a cause and effect sentence that tries to establish logic and credibility, it is irrelevant to the purpose of the letter and wordy. Even if the purpose of the sentence is to prove credibility, it is weak because not only are the results of the sender's actions doubtful, it seems the sender is not sure either. "It 'should be' well known."

Sentence8

Not only is the sentence irrelevant to the purpose of the letter, it is entirely sender-oriented. It doesn't pull the reader towards the sender's cause.

Sentence9

Besides being irrelevant and sender-oriented, it is pompous. Without careful structuring, these sentences can sound arrogant be it intended or not.

Sentence10

The major flaw of the sentence is the use of postscript. According to Appendix A of the text book (A-11), "postscripts usually indicate poor planning" and one couldn't agree more in this case. Is this really an afterthought or something the sender really wants to know; a purpose? The sentence is also unsuitable because it is not a personal note, and lacks reader-benefit.

Sentence11

Although the sentence may be true, it lacks reader-benefit. It may be humorous, but it also portrays the sender in bad light; that the sender is whining about being a new publisher.

 

Note: Because each member of the group has his own view on how to rewrite the letter and none is sure of their knowledge in writing business letters, we failed to come up with a unified letter. However, we welcome those interested, to read each individual's revised letter and give opinions on them.

 

 

 

--- 本郵件來自HiNet WebMail ---

Homework 5 Tara

(1)Analyze This Document

After reading this document, I know it is written by a new publisher who wanted to recommend his book to the bookseller's show. However, there are several impropriate sentences and the letter lacks of "you" view, focusing on his personal purpose too much and overlook the audience's mind. So, now I am going to analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each sentence.

1. Sentence 1

Strength: The writer used plain English.

Weakness: The main purpose in the sentence is not clear enough. He should provide more concrete details to the sponsor instead of "great books". It is too abstract.

1. Sentence 2

Strength: The writer appreciated the idea of the show and also showed his expectation of participating.

Weakness: I think "it's a great idea" is kind of informal and disrespected to the seller because it sounds dictatorial to the reader. It should be more audience-centered.

2. Sentence 3

Strength: It seems the writer is friendly towards the sponsor and it may make their relationship closer.

Weakness: Any slang, informal and colloquial language should be avoided in business writing because it is impolite and very impropriate to the reader. The enthusiastic word such as "folks" should also be deleted because it may give reader bad impression or feel disrespected.

4. Sentence 4

Strength: The sentence is straightforward and cut to the point directly.

Weakness: The sentence sounds very dictatorial. The writer should pay more attention on "you" view.

5. Sentence 5

Strength: The writer tried to provide his creativity to promote his book and the exhibition. His main purpose is clear.

Weakness: The whole sentence is irrelevant to the main purpose of the letter. And the word "neat" is informal and unclear and he can tell more details of his book or use more formal words.

6. Sentence 6

Strength: He provided his expertise and experience not only to enhance his credibility but to persuade the sponsor.

Weakness: The sentence seems irrelevant in the letter because it is not related to the publishing at all. And the part of "I could demonstrate my techniques" is unnecessary because it sounds kind of conceited, which may annoy the sponsor. .

7. Sentence 7

Strength: The writer provided additional information and his skills for persuading the sponsor.

Weakness: The writer should offer more details about the exhibition and the book instead of his skills because it is irrelevant and useless.

8. Sentence 8

Strength: He showed his confidence in his book and positive attitude towards promotion.

Weakness: I think the writer is too self-confidence to believe his book will achieve success. Self-centered writing should be avoided in business writing, especially when your make the request. And abbreviation should also be avoided because it will confuse the readers.

9. Sentence 9

Strength: He is confident of promoting the book.

Weakness: Again, he should pay more attention on audience-centered instead of focusing on himself. He should try to writing in more objective way.

10: sentence 10

Strength: The sentence has clear point and very straightforward.

Weakness: the former sentence might be the main point of the letter so it should put in the text. And the later sentence is very improper and obvious irrelevant to the letter. It should be deleted immediately.

(2) Revise the document

Dear Sir,

I am a new publisher who is very interest in your bookseller's show announced in Publishers Weekly. I would like to know is there any booth space for me to promote my two books, T-Shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business. If I can attend the exhibition, I look forward to knowing the cost of the space and more detail of the exhibition.

Besides, I've been an airbrush artist and done some advertising illustrations, if necessary, I'm very glad to do some airbrushing on T-Shirt to promote the exhibition and my books. In case you would like to get more information about me, I have enclosed my biography and some photos. Thank you for your considering. I believe we could have a good time working together very soon.

Yours sincerely,

Homework5 49482013黃慧嵐

Homework 5 49482013黃慧嵐

The writer was trying to promote his (or her) books to someone who was going to hold a bookseller's show. However, he did not follow the "you" view strategy in writing which make readers hard to read.

Sentence1

Strength: It is easy to read and understand this sentence. The statement is straightforward.

Weakness: The word "great" is too abstract and the purpose is not specific.

Sentence2

Strength: Make the reader feel their relationship is closer.

Weakness: The word "great" is abstract again and readers can not clarify its main purpose..

Sentence3

Strength: Like talking to an old friend.

Weakness: Not appropriate in business writing. Informal.

Sentence4

Strength: Clear and straightforward.

Weakness: The words "get" often used in speaking not in writing.

Sentence5

Strength: The purpose is clear. Totally understand its purpose.

Weakness: Informal, and offer too many details. They can talk about this later.

Sentence6

Strength: Enhance his credibility.

Weakness: Not very necessary in this letter, because what he has done before is not important.

Sentence7

Strength: Showing the writer has several experiences in this area.

Weakness: He's exaggerating when he used "hundreds of…"not specific.

Sentence8

Strength: Offer many details about promotion for his new book.

Weakness: He shouldn't assume his book will be famous in August.

Sentence9

Strength: The writer is considerate. He is familiar with this business.

Weakness: The first sentence is not necessary.

Sentence10

Strength: The purpose is clear.

Weakness: He used colloquial expression. "So that…afford to attend" is not necessary here.

After analyzing I couldn't help but wonder will the book written by this writer similar to this letter, lack of purpose and too many redundant sentences! I think his book can never be a bestseller.

Revise

Dear Sir,

I knew you are holding a bookseller's show this summer. I'm a new publisher and I would like to require for a space to show my books, please. I've got several experiences in publishing so my books will not let you down. Also, I have arranged my own campaign so you do not have to worry about it. I will enclose a biography and photo in case you would like to use my appearance there.

P.S. Please inform me how much should I pay for the booth if you decide to give me a chance.

Sincerely Yours,

Jessica

Homework 5 form Sofla

Homework 5 Name: Sofla

◎Analyze This Document
This document is self-recommend letter wrote by
a fresh publisher to a manger of book fair. In this
letter the publisher shows his/her eagerness to take
part in and his/her pleasure to contribute his
airbrush techniques to make the book fair more
interesting. However, as a new publisher wrote a
letter to a manger of book fair, he/she should adopt a
"you" attitude, be more polite, use conversational
tone instead of informal tone, and project his/her
company's image in a formal business letter format.

1.Sentence 1: The writer should point out the main
purpose of this letter, to attend
the book fair, and provide relevant
background information, such as the
company's name, to establish the
credibility. The abstract expression as
"really great" should avoid.
2.Sentence 2: If the "announcement" combines with
the
"bookseller's show", the sentence
will
be shorter and ease to understand.
"Bookseller's show" is confusing;
"book fair" is more familiar to a
manger of publishing.
3.Sentence 3: The expression "cut me in" is informal

in business letter, and calling a
stranger "folk" has a great chance to
offend the manger.
4.Sentence 4: The politeness and a "you" attitude
should be adopt in this sentence.
5.Sentence 5: The colloquial expression, such as
"neat thing" or "hot new title",
should
disappear in business writing. This
sentence is egomaniac: for instance, to
help promote my hot new title. To write
for the benefits of the manger and
exhibition is more appropriate.
6.Sentence 6: The clause "and I could demonstrate my
techniques" is superfluous. The purpose

of this sentence is to establish his
credibility, and providing information
about he was an airbrush artist is
sufficient.
7.Sentence 7: Contributing his sign painting skills
to promote other books in the fair
instead will be coherent with reader-
benefits.
8.Sentence 8: As a book fair manger, she/he would be
pleased to know noted books in the
fair. However, even the publisher
starting his public reputation campaign
in May does not guarantee these books
would reach their reputation in August.
9.Sentence 9: The appearance of the publisher in
the fair is mutual benefits.
Emphasize how the appearance profits
the publisher will be more polite.
10.Sentence 10: In this sentence, the publisher only
mentioned how the action the manger
takes will befit her/him self.
Adopting reader-benefit approach will
be more appropriate.
11.Sentence 11: To emphasize the positive, this
sentence can be deleted.

◎Revision

6412 Tint Publisher
New Weston, OH 45348
April 22, 2007

Mr. Richard Dooley
Manager of Reader Publisher
2334 Western Ave.
Seattle, WA 98123

Dear Mr. Dooley:

Pleas rent me a booth in August book fair, which
I know form Publishers Weekly. Tint Publisher, the new
publisher which I am responsible for, will be honored
being a part of the book fair. Could you please rent
me a booth in September? I will deeply appreciate it.

To promote books in the book fair, I will be
glad to do airbrushing on T-shirts live. I was an
airbrush artist and a sing painter before starting
publishing, and I've done hundreds of advertising
illustrations. I can design and airbrush all kinds of
book-related patterns on T-shirt. It must make your
book fair more interesting!

Hoping my publication will gain reputation after
my public reputation campaign, advertisements in
Publish Weekly and renowned art trade papers, by the
time the book fair hold in August. If you are willing
to adopt my appearance as a part of your publicity
list, a biography and photo of me have been enclosed.

I am glad to know the cost of each booth space
quickly. You will do a beginning publisher a great
favor to be informed the cost in advance.

Sincerely,

Peter Simon

Peter Simon.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
馬上體驗全新Yahoo!奇摩電子信箱2.0。 http://tw.mg0.mail.yahoo.com/dc/landing

Homework5 Hayden

Analyze This Document
The document shows a new publisher would like to participate in a book seller's show, but the document has some improper usages. The following are the strengths an the weakness of each sentence.

Sentence1
Strength: Using plain English.
Weakness: We may think the writer wants to sell his books, but actually he wants to ask the cost for attending the book exhibition.

Sentence2
Strength: Emphasizing the positive. It is good to let the reader know his announcement in Publishers Weekly is effective.
Weakness: Giving unnecessary details. I think "…you're having this summer" can be omitted. The word "show" is generalized. We do not know it is a exhibition or something.

Sentence3
Strength: Powerful. Make writer close to reader.
Weakness: Lack of etiquette. Oral language is not proper in writing.

Sentence4
Strength: Clear idea.
Weakness: Lack of reader's benefit. It only talks about writer's interest.

Sentence5
Strength: The writer knows how to promote his books, and lets readers know he takes the exhibition seriously.
Weakness: The writer still only cares about his own interest.

Sentence6
Strength: The writer uses his experience to enhance his technique in airbrushing.
Weakness: This sentence is not really related to writer's purpose of the letter.

Sentence7
Strength: Provide writer's capability in sign painting.
Weakness: It is also irrelevant to writer's purpose of the letter. The sentence at the end of the paragraph should be powerful to repeat writer's purpose.

Sentence8
Strength: The writer gives other information to show he has strategies to advertise his books.
Weakness: It seems the writer is boastful. It may drag reader's attention and make reader confused why the writer wants to attend the exhibition.

Sentence9
Strength: The writer is thoughtful to let reader share his publicity.
Weakness: The tone is arrogant and it may let reader feel uncomfortable.

Sentence10
Strength: Purposeful.
Weakness: Reader may think the writer really cares about cost for booth space, and does not pay much attention on exhibition.

Revised Document

Dear Sirs,

As a new publisher, I would like to know the costs of renting booth space because I am interested in attending your book exhibition. I think your book exhibition gives me a big chance to promote my two books, T-shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business. I was an airbrush artist before, so I hope that I can use these techniques to advertise my books and I think that it also can make your exhibition lively.

Your book exhibition really can do me a big favor. I look forward to your response and hope you give me more details about the exhibition.

Yours sincerely,
Hayden Lively.

Homework 5 49482012 Sandra

Homework 5 49482012 陳亭縈

Analyze This Document

According to the content, the writer is an airbrush artist who wants to attend a bookseller's exhibition and promote his books. He writes a letter to the sponsor in order to deliver his willingness of attending the activity. However, there are several errors in this letter. The most obvious one is that the writer only use "you" point to compose his letter. The following are analyses to each sentence and the revised document.

Sentence 1:

Weakness: The writer shows too much confidence by using the phrase "really great books". It may leave the sponsor a bad impression. In addition, the writer's words are abstract and pompous. He doesn't build a strong relationship with his reader in the beginning. Besides, the writer doesn't start with his main idea. He wants to attend to exhibition and promote his airbrush techniques instead of selling books.

Sentence 2:

Weakness: The first error is that the writer should use "exhibition" instead of "show" in his letter. Using imprecise words may confuse the reader. The second one is that the sentence "I think it's a great idea" is informal. The writer should convey his admiration in more polite way.

Sentence 3:

Weakness: It is inappropriate to use buzzwords, such as folks, in a business letter. The reader may consider the writer is not professional.

Sentence 4:

Strength: The writer uses "I would like" to show his politeness and request to the sponsor.

Weakness: It is weird to say "to get some space to show my books". Actually, it doesn't precisely deliver the writer's main idea which is to participate in the bookseller's exhibition. It sounds like the writer just needs a small place to exhibit his books, and he doesn't have to show up.

Sentence 5:

Strength: The writer provides the sponsor an idea to promote airbrushing and his books. His idea may attract people to the exhibition.

Weakness: There are two errors in this sentence. The first one is that the writer should not use "neat". He can use "perfect" or "wonderful" instead. The second one is the "I" view in the sentence. All the writer thinks about are his own interest, and he neglects the reader's feeling.

Sentence 6:

Strength: The writer offers his airbrushing techniques and it may raise the reader's interest.

Weakness: The sentence is too long, and there are three clauses in one sentence. The sentence "I could demonstrate my techniques" sounds a little bit proud and arrogant. The writer should convey his message in another way.

Sentence 7:

Strength: Building up the writer's credibility by telling his related experience in airbrushing to the reader. In addition, the writer tells the reader that he has other books to promote.

Weakness: The writer still use "I" view in the sentence and it may make the writer boastful.

Sentence 8:

Weakness: The writer should avoid abbreviation, such as PR or PW. Reader cannot understand what the writer refers to since the abbreviations are the terms only used in the airbrushing field. Besides, the tone that the writer uses is proud and confident. The sponsor may think that he is slightly insulted by the writer's arrogant tone.

Sentence 9:

Weakness: It is inappropriate that the writer uses "you would like" in the sentence, because the form of "would like" is used to express one's modesty and politeness. As the writer requests for the chance to take part in the exhibition, it is the writer should be humble, not the reader (sponsor).

Revised Document

Dear Mr. Wilson:

I am a new publisher who wants to attend the bookseller's exhibition you sponsor this summer. I got this information from the announcement you posted in Publishers Weekly. Having great interest in this book exhibition, I would like to apply for one booth place to promote my two new books, T-shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business.

As a publisher and an airbrush artist, I would like to do some airbrushing in the exhibition to attract more people to this activity. In addition, I have done hundreds of advertising illustrations.I believe that I am qualified to do this job. May I have the opportunity to introduce this meaningful book exhibition and the art of airbrushing to the public?

I will have a campaign in May, 2005. Meanwhile, I would like to post ads in Publishers Weekly and other art trade papers to promote this book exhibition and my new books. I am looking forward to take part in this book exhibition you hold. If you have made your decision, please let me know as soon as possible, so that I can arrange further information and proposal for you. I am glad to provide more details about this plan and myself. There are my biography and photos of myself attached to this letter, in case you have interest in my applying.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Fishman

HOMEWORK 5 江則潔

Analyze This Document

The writer of this letter had clearly delivered the purpose and request. However, there are many impropriate sentences. The writer seems to overlook the benefit to the audience, instead; stress too much in the writer him or herself. Here, I assume this is a letter to a person or a company outside the writer's organization or which the writer unfamiliar with then I analyze the document sentence by sentence.

Sentence 1: the writer should give more detail of the books, for example, the type of the books, instead just saying "some great books."

Sentence 2: "I think it's a great idea." is impropriate here, the writer should transform this sentence into audience centered.

Sentence 3: this sentence should be immediately deleted. The writer should avoid informal tone.

Sentence 4: this sentence is, also, too impolite and self-centered.

Sentence 5 and 6: in these sentences, I don't see any thing relevant to this letter's goal. So if the writer wants to give the information anyway, the writer should show the benefit to the audience. Besides, the word "neat" shouldn't be used in the letter.

Sentence 7: I think "so I'll also be promoting my other book," is a weird sentence. It

should be "so I'll also promote my other book."

Sentence 8: I can't understand what PW is. The writer should not use abbreviation here.

Sentence 9 and 10: the writer should make these sentences more you attitude.

Sentence 11: the writer should not add personal feelings into the words.

In sum, the strength of this letter is its plain English and the weakness is the writer didn't use you attitude to enhance the credibility of the letter and the writer him or herself. In addition, the writer gave too mush information in one letter, therefore; the reader may be confused with the writer's purpose.

Revise Version

Dear Sir,

I am a new publisher with great interest in the bookseller's show in this summer (which) you announced in Publishers Weekly. Is there any other booth space you can offer? And I am look forward to learn more details about the show such as cost. It would be great if I can know it earlier.

I've been an advertising illustrator and sign painter, so the books I am going to promote will be about art, such as T-Shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business. As an airbrush painter, I can demonstrate airbrush techniques to add some promoting activities in your exhibition.

You can contact me by this mail address. And I believe we can have a great time working together.

P.S. I have enclosed a biography and my photo, in case you need them.

Sincerely yours,

Bush Color