HOMEWORK 5 江則潔

Analyze This Document

The writer of this letter had clearly delivered the purpose and request. However, there are many impropriate sentences. The writer seems to overlook the benefit to the audience, instead; stress too much in the writer him or herself. Here, I assume this is a letter to a person or a company outside the writer's organization or which the writer unfamiliar with then I analyze the document sentence by sentence.

Sentence 1: the writer should give more detail of the books, for example, the type of the books, instead just saying "some great books."

Sentence 2: "I think it's a great idea." is impropriate here, the writer should transform this sentence into audience centered.

Sentence 3: this sentence should be immediately deleted. The writer should avoid informal tone.

Sentence 4: this sentence is, also, too impolite and self-centered.

Sentence 5 and 6: in these sentences, I don't see any thing relevant to this letter's goal. So if the writer wants to give the information anyway, the writer should show the benefit to the audience. Besides, the word "neat" shouldn't be used in the letter.

Sentence 7: I think "so I'll also be promoting my other book," is a weird sentence. It

should be "so I'll also promote my other book."

Sentence 8: I can't understand what PW is. The writer should not use abbreviation here.

Sentence 9 and 10: the writer should make these sentences more you attitude.

Sentence 11: the writer should not add personal feelings into the words.

In sum, the strength of this letter is its plain English and the weakness is the writer didn't use you attitude to enhance the credibility of the letter and the writer him or herself. In addition, the writer gave too mush information in one letter, therefore; the reader may be confused with the writer's purpose.

Revise Version

Dear Sir,

I am a new publisher with great interest in the bookseller's show in this summer (which) you announced in Publishers Weekly. Is there any other booth space you can offer? And I am look forward to learn more details about the show such as cost. It would be great if I can know it earlier.

I've been an advertising illustrator and sign painter, so the books I am going to promote will be about art, such as T-Shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business. As an airbrush painter, I can demonstrate airbrush techniques to add some promoting activities in your exhibition.

You can contact me by this mail address. And I believe we can have a great time working together.

P.S. I have enclosed a biography and my photo, in case you need them.

Sincerely yours,

Bush Color