(1) strengths and weaknesses
Sentence One
strength: Plain English.
weakness: The lack of supporting details besides "great" to
enhance credibility.
Sentence Two
strength: A warm conversational style which implies the
sender's intent of participation.
weakness: None.
Sentence Three
strength: A friendly conversational style.
weakness: A warm and still businesslike style is preferred.
Sentence Four
strength: Strong active voice for a request.
weakness: The casual and imprecise use of the word "get."
Sentence Five
strength: Concrete promotion idea offered.
weakness: The audience-centered method can be adopted here
by writing in terms of the audience's interests. And again,
the casual tone of the word "neat" is inappropriate in a
business letter.
Sentence Six
strength: Providing expertise to establish credibility and
thus building strong
relationship.
weakness: Slightly redundant. This sentence should be condensed.
Sentence Seven
strength: Also providing additional details for yet another
skill of the publisher and the related book.
weakness: In business letters, buzzwords should be avoided.
Bad content order; the information should be placed along
with the previous book information.
Sentence Eight
strength: Information regarding the promotion helps raise
interest and confidence in the books for the reader.
weakness: Abbreviation should be avoided for the clearness
of the letter unless it is very familiar to the reader. The
tone of "well known" needs revision.
Sentence Nine
strength: A considerate move showing the sender's enthusiasm
and boosting the feasibility of the deal.
weakness: Once again, the audience-centered method should be
adopted by offering the assistance in a humble tone.
Sentence Ten
strength: A forthright purpose expressed.
weakness: Putting important financial related message last.
The last sentence is unnecessary.
Overall Comment:
The strong point of the letter is that it is plain and clear
with an overall warm tone and
enough details to attract the reader's interest in doing the
business. However, poor
organization and the casual tone greatly diminishes the
credibility and competence of
the provided facts and the sender.
(2) revise the document
Dear Sir,
As a new publisher, I take great interest in the
bookseller's show announced in Publishers Weekly and would
like to inquire the rental fee for booth space to promote my
two new books, T-Shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign
Painting Business.
I plan to promote the books with ads in Publishers Weekly
and art trade papers in May 2005. I'd also very much like to
offer my appearance and air brushing skills live at the
bookseller's show. My biography and profile photo are enclosed.
Thank you very much for considering. I look forward to
hearing the show cost and details.
Yours truly,
Traci MacGrady
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