Homework 5 Brian

Analyze This Document
Strengths & Weaknesses
1. S: The writer is a new publisher. It may make the
sponsor think that another passionate person wants to
join the career publication. It will make a good
impression.
W: Using the word "sell" sounds like he just wants
to make money and the sponsor doesn't know if his
books are great. And the first sentence should be the
topic sentence which should state the main point.
2. S: The writer's agreement with the sponsor's idea
is good, and it will leave a good impression.
W: The word "saw" looks like he accidentally saw
this announcement, not something he paid attention to.
"Show" is an informal word and sounds a little bit
disrespectful like it is just a show, not something
important. Writing a letter should use more formal
words especially for business.
3. S: It looks like the writer is an easy-going
person, but it is a really risky thing to do so
especially for this kind of formal letters.
W: Using slang language us inappropriate here. The
writer is writing letter for join the exhibition, not
for his friend. And it makes the sponsor think that
the writer might not be professional enough.
4. S: It is a very simple sentence that clearly states
the main point of the writer.
W: The whole sentence shows that the writer only
concerns his own interest. He didn't think for the
sponsor and the exhibition.
5. S: The writer mentioned some skills that can
promote his books, but if he can expand it to the
whole exhibition, it will be beneficial to the
sponsor.
W: Again, "neat" is slang word for wonderful or
fantastic, and the whole sentence is still on his own
interest.
6. S: Like sentence five, if the writer can contribute
his skills to the exhibition, it will be a strong
point and also the sponsor may be interest in him.
It's good to let others know your skills when it is
helpful.
W: It is irrelevant to bring up such thing. It has
nothing to do with the exhibition. The sponsor
doesn't care about his past experiences as an
airbrush artist.
7. S: The writer mentioned that he has done a lot of
advertising illustrations, and it cold be a very
strong point if he offers it as a help to promote the
exhibition.
W: The writer kept focusing on using his skills on
his own books instead of the whole exhibition.
8. W: The writer is too proud himself that he will be
well known after his campaign. Too much pride can be
annoying.
9. W: Just like sentence eight, the writer seems to
take many things for granted.
10. S: Very straightforward.
W: The writer seems to care nothing but money.
He's being snobbish, and it seems that it doesn't
matter whether he can attend the exhibition or not.
Money matters.
11. W: The writer uses money as a measurement, and he
shouldn't use this as an ending. It seems that he
didn't care about the exhibition at all. Maybe he
wrote this sentence to try to get some empathy to have
a bargain.

Revise
Dear Bovee,

After noticing your announcement in Publishers Weekly
about the exhibition you're having this summer, I'd
like to have a booth space. As a new publisher, I
hope I can attend it to promote some of my books to
the public. If I can attend the exhibition, I wonder
if I will be allowed do some airbrushing on T-shirts
to promote not only my books but also the whole
exhibition. I have experiences of advertising
illustrations before and I think maybe I can help you
with the promotion of the exhibition. I will be
starting my PR campaign about May 2005 with ads in PW
and some art trade papers, and if I can join the
exhibition, I am happy to include this exhibition into
my ads. It will do a favor for both my books and the
exhibition. For you to know more about me and my
books, I have enclosed some brief information. If you
are interested, please contact me and give me the cost
of the space and other details of the exhibition as
soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Pat Coleman