Analyze the Document
The new publisher wrote the document to have a chance
to promote his techniques and his book. Yet, the
document contained some errors. Here are my analysis
and revision of the document.
Sentence1.
Strength. The writer strongly shows his desire to sell
his great books. It could enhance the credibility of
the document.
Sentence 2.
Weakness. I got confused when I saw the word "show."
It misled me to relate Publishers Weekly to a TV
program. The writer should use the word "exhibition"
instead of "show," since the exhibition is not a
performance. In addition, if the writer really wants
to attend the exhibition, he should express more to
show his support to the exhibition, not just "it's a
great idea."
Sentence 3.
Weakness. The use of this sentence is too informal.
It's inappropriate in a document. To show the
writer's etiquette, it's better if he/she adds
"please," because he/she is asking for the
audience's approval.
Sentence 4.
Weakness. It is weird to say "get some space to show
my books." The writer might be asking for attending
the exhibition. The writer should express in a
different way to enhance the credibility that he/she
really wants to take part in the exhibition.
Sentence 5.
Weakness. This time the writer wants to promote his
title by do some airbrushing. He/she should ask the
audience first if he/she could do airbrushing in the
exhibition, but he/she just said "I thought……" It
would be more polite to inquire before doing some
other things.
Sentence 6.
Strength. The writer provides his/her experience of
being an airbrush artist to enhance his/her
credibility. It could support his/her idea of
promotion.
Sentence 7.
Strength. The writer refers to his/her book. He/she
mentions his/her experience as a sign painter to
persuade the audience the book is worthy of buying.
Also, he/she had already done advertising
illustrations to promote the book. It could be a sign
that he/she is eager to sell the book.
Sentence 8.
Weakness. Although the writer will start PR campaign
with ads in PW, it is not necessary that the books
"should" be well-known. The word "should" somewhat
indicates the writer is too I-centered.
Sentence 9.
Strength. It is polite to attach a biography and
photo. It can provide more information about the
writer.
Weakness. The audience does not have to use the photo
or the biography for publicity. The main purpose of
biography and photo is to enable the audience to know
more about the writer, so the writer should use a much
more polite way to bring out his/her attachments.
Sentence 10.
Weakness. It sounds like if the cost is too high, the
writer might not attend the exhibition. He/she should
use a better way to express his/her idea.
Sentence 11.
Weakness. This sentence is not significantly related
to the main idea of the document.
Revision
Dear Mr. Brown:
I am a new publisher with some really great books
to sell. I found you announced in Publishers Weekly
that you are having a bookseller's exhibition this
summer, and I am totally interested in it. I would
like to take part in the exhibition, please let me
join you. Also, I was wondering if I could do some
airbrushing on T-shirts live as an assistant to
promote my hot new title, T-shirt Art. Prior to a
publisher, I was an airbrush artist, and I could
demonstrate my techniques. Having done hundreds of
advertising illustrations and been a sign painter, I
would like to introduce my book, How to Make Money in
the Sign Painting Business, to everyone.
I will try every means to promote my book, such
as PR campaign in May 2005 with ads in PW and some art
trade papers, and I hope by the time the exhibition is
held, my book would be well-known. If you would like
to know more about me, I attach a biography and a
photo about myself to the document. Please contact me
if you have any questions.
P.S. I am eager to join you. However, I get some
economical difficulties. It would be a great help if
you could inform me of the cost of the exhibition, so
I can find solutions to the problem. Thank you.
Sincerely yours,
Elle Rice
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