Homework5 Group4

The "You" Attitude

1. We request that you use the order form supplied in the back of our catalog.

    By using the order form supplied in the back of the catalog, your order will be processed as quickly as possible.

 

2. We insist that you always bring your credit card to the store.

    To enhance your convenience, please bring your credit card to the store.

 

3. We want to get rid of all our 15-inch monitors to make room in our warehouse for the 19-inch screens. Thus we are offering a 25 percent discount on all sales this week.

    Take hold of the opportunity of our 25 percent discount on all sales this week!

 

4. I am applying for the position of bookkeeper in your office. I feel that my grades prove that I am bright and capable, and I think I can do a good job for you.

    Seeing your ad in the personnel section, I'd like to apply for the position of bookkeeper at your office, to serve and do a good job for you.

 

5. As requested, we are sending the refund for $25.

    Here is the refund of $25 that you have requested.

 

Emphasizing the Positive

6. To avoid the loss of your credit rating, please remit payment within 10 days.

    Remitting payment within 10 days will avoid a loss of your credit rating.

 

7. We don't make refunds on returned merchandise that is soiled.

    Although we cannot make refunds on soiled merchandise, we can replace them.

 

8. Because we are temporarily out of Baby Cry dolls, we won't be able to ship your order for 10 days.

    Due to the popular demand for Baby Cry dolls, we will ship your order after ten days to ensure your order is processed and delivered correctly.

 

9. You failed to specify the color of the blouse that you ordered.

    To ensure you a satisfactory purchase, we recommend you to specify the color of the blouse you ordered.

 

10. You should have realized that waterbeds will freeze in unheated houses during winter. Therefore, our guarantee does not cover the valve damage and you must pay the $9.50 valve-replacement fee (plus postage).

     We are sorry to hear that your waterbed froze resulting in valve damage. Although our guarantee does not cover valve damage, we can replace the valve for $9.50 (plus postage). Please be advised that waterbeds freeze in unheated houses during winter, hence take care to heat the environment during winter.

 

Analyze This Document

This document is probably a letter to organizers of a book exhibition which the sender wishes to attend. Following are the major strengths and weaknesses of each sentence of the 'document':

Sentence1

Although the sentence is relatively simple to understand, it is vague and abstract in the sense, the sender does not elaborate further on how are the books 'great'.

Sentence2

This is probably the best sentence in the document. The major strength of this sentence is that it is very encouraging and gives the reader an appreciative and amicable feeling.

Sentence3

Although this sentence is energetic and friendly, it is too friendly and informal for a business letter. It lacks professionalism.

Sentence4

Though purposeful, the sender should have put this sentence at the beginning of the letter. Saying out the purpose now makes the previous sentences seem redundant.

Sentence5

This sentence is sender-oriented and not reader-oriented. This fails to get the reader involved and see things as mutually important and/or informative.

Sentence6

If the first sentence is the main purpose of the letter, then this sentence is irrelevant to the letter. How is the sender having been an airbrush artist and can demonstrate techniques related to 'having great books to sell'?

Sentence7

Although this is a cause and effect sentence that tries to establish logic and credibility, it is irrelevant to the purpose of the letter and wordy. Even if the purpose of the sentence is to prove credibility, it is weak because not only are the results of the sender's actions doubtful, it seems the sender is not sure either. "It 'should be' well known."

Sentence8

Not only is the sentence irrelevant to the purpose of the letter, it is entirely sender-oriented. It doesn't pull the reader towards the sender's cause.

Sentence9

Besides being irrelevant and sender-oriented, it is pompous. Without careful structuring, these sentences can sound arrogant be it intended or not.

Sentence10

The major flaw of the sentence is the use of postscript. According to Appendix A of the text book (A-11), "postscripts usually indicate poor planning" and one couldn't agree more in this case. Is this really an afterthought or something the sender really wants to know; a purpose? The sentence is also unsuitable because it is not a personal note, and lacks reader-benefit.

Sentence11

Although the sentence may be true, it lacks reader-benefit. It may be humorous, but it also portrays the sender in bad light; that the sender is whining about being a new publisher.

 

Note: Because each member of the group has his own view on how to rewrite the letter and none is sure of their knowledge in writing business letters, we failed to come up with a unified letter. However, we welcome those interested, to read each individual's revised letter and give opinions on them.

 

 

 

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