Homework 5 49482012 Sandra

Homework 5 49482012 陳亭縈

Analyze This Document

According to the content, the writer is an airbrush artist who wants to attend a bookseller's exhibition and promote his books. He writes a letter to the sponsor in order to deliver his willingness of attending the activity. However, there are several errors in this letter. The most obvious one is that the writer only use "you" point to compose his letter. The following are analyses to each sentence and the revised document.

Sentence 1:

Weakness: The writer shows too much confidence by using the phrase "really great books". It may leave the sponsor a bad impression. In addition, the writer's words are abstract and pompous. He doesn't build a strong relationship with his reader in the beginning. Besides, the writer doesn't start with his main idea. He wants to attend to exhibition and promote his airbrush techniques instead of selling books.

Sentence 2:

Weakness: The first error is that the writer should use "exhibition" instead of "show" in his letter. Using imprecise words may confuse the reader. The second one is that the sentence "I think it's a great idea" is informal. The writer should convey his admiration in more polite way.

Sentence 3:

Weakness: It is inappropriate to use buzzwords, such as folks, in a business letter. The reader may consider the writer is not professional.

Sentence 4:

Strength: The writer uses "I would like" to show his politeness and request to the sponsor.

Weakness: It is weird to say "to get some space to show my books". Actually, it doesn't precisely deliver the writer's main idea which is to participate in the bookseller's exhibition. It sounds like the writer just needs a small place to exhibit his books, and he doesn't have to show up.

Sentence 5:

Strength: The writer provides the sponsor an idea to promote airbrushing and his books. His idea may attract people to the exhibition.

Weakness: There are two errors in this sentence. The first one is that the writer should not use "neat". He can use "perfect" or "wonderful" instead. The second one is the "I" view in the sentence. All the writer thinks about are his own interest, and he neglects the reader's feeling.

Sentence 6:

Strength: The writer offers his airbrushing techniques and it may raise the reader's interest.

Weakness: The sentence is too long, and there are three clauses in one sentence. The sentence "I could demonstrate my techniques" sounds a little bit proud and arrogant. The writer should convey his message in another way.

Sentence 7:

Strength: Building up the writer's credibility by telling his related experience in airbrushing to the reader. In addition, the writer tells the reader that he has other books to promote.

Weakness: The writer still use "I" view in the sentence and it may make the writer boastful.

Sentence 8:

Weakness: The writer should avoid abbreviation, such as PR or PW. Reader cannot understand what the writer refers to since the abbreviations are the terms only used in the airbrushing field. Besides, the tone that the writer uses is proud and confident. The sponsor may think that he is slightly insulted by the writer's arrogant tone.

Sentence 9:

Weakness: It is inappropriate that the writer uses "you would like" in the sentence, because the form of "would like" is used to express one's modesty and politeness. As the writer requests for the chance to take part in the exhibition, it is the writer should be humble, not the reader (sponsor).

Revised Document

Dear Mr. Wilson:

I am a new publisher who wants to attend the bookseller's exhibition you sponsor this summer. I got this information from the announcement you posted in Publishers Weekly. Having great interest in this book exhibition, I would like to apply for one booth place to promote my two new books, T-shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business.

As a publisher and an airbrush artist, I would like to do some airbrushing in the exhibition to attract more people to this activity. In addition, I have done hundreds of advertising illustrations.I believe that I am qualified to do this job. May I have the opportunity to introduce this meaningful book exhibition and the art of airbrushing to the public?

I will have a campaign in May, 2005. Meanwhile, I would like to post ads in Publishers Weekly and other art trade papers to promote this book exhibition and my new books. I am looking forward to take part in this book exhibition you hold. If you have made your decision, please let me know as soon as possible, so that I can arrange further information and proposal for you. I am glad to provide more details about this plan and myself. There are my biography and photos of myself attached to this letter, in case you have interest in my applying.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Fishman