(1) Analyze the strengths and weaknesses
Sentence1
Strength:
Weakness: "really great books" is too abstract. The writer should let the receiver know what the books are about or what his intention is in the first sentence.
Sentence2
Strength: Telling the receiver where he saw the ad is good.
Weakness: "I think it's a great idea" is bad because no one asked the writer how the idea was.
Sentence3
Strength:
Weakness: "Count me in, folks!" This sentence is too informal for business letters.
Sentence4
Strength:
Weakness: "I would like to get some space to show my books" seems that the writer wants to order some fast food. The author should be politer by writing "I'm wondering if there are still any spare spaces".
Sentence5
Strength:
Weakness: 1. "neat" is too colloquial to be written in business letters.
2. The writer is too self-centered, he should be more reader benefit by telling the receiver that airbrushing show can attract more people to the fair instead of saying he wants to attract more audience to his stand.
Sentence6
Strength: Persuading the receiver that he can paint well is great ( eg. He was an airbrush artist…etc)
Weakness: Too self-centered. He shouldn't say that he can demonstrate his techniques.
Sentence7
Strength:
Weakness: The writer tells too much about himself. Therefore, it seems that he just want to brag himself instead of how much effort he can do to the receiver
Sentence8
Strength:
Weakness: The writer should avoid using abbreviation such as PR campaign and PW.
Sentence9
Strength: Giving the receiver some attachment is good because the receiver can know more about him.
Weakness:
Sentence10
Strength:
Weakness: The way he writes is too informal. He should say in a politer way. For example,"In order to prepare the expense in advance, will you please let me know how much it will be to be one of the exhibitors as soon as possible?" might be better.
(2)Revise the document
Dear Sir:
I am a start-up publisher who want join your book exhibition. I saw your announcement in Publisher Weekly about the booksellers' show. Therefore, I'm wondering if I can be one of the exhibitors to promote my new book, such as T-Shirt Art and How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business. Because I was an airbrush artist, I can do some airbrushing on T-shirts live to attract more visitors to the book fair.
In case that you need to use my appearance there as part of your publicity, enclosed please find the information you may need (my photo, autobiography etc…)
Besides, as I've mentioned, I am a start-up publisher, so I don't know if my budget will be enough or not for the exhibition. In order to prepare the expense in advance, will you please let me know how much it will be to be one of the exhibitors as soon as possible? Thank you.
Best regards,
Valentina Hsiao
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